Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
