he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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