I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
