My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
