I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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