Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
