Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
