I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
