dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize