Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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