When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
