I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
