apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
