It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
