my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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