Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
