my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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