That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
