we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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