I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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