2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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