Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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