BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
