dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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