Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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