I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
