i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
