I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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