I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
