I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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