Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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