this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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