I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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