im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
