Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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