I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
