I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
