i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
