Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
