have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize