i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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