Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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