so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
