Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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