I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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