I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
