I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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