I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
