did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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