woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
