His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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