He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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