I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
