guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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