I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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