were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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