if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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