i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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