His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
