i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
